This is a second parter to the previous series, Juggling Motherhood & more. I stepped down from my position in July and decided to live a simpler life. With a death in the family, my whole entire world was shaken up. My experience and tragedies have led me to writing more to get my thoughts all organized.
I live in Seattle area, and if you’re not up to speed on what that means, I’m in the fastest growing area for technology right now. If you’re in the Software Engineering field and you’re in Seattle area, this is the ultimate area for you to find work at the moment!
I look back at my 2018 with a lot of regret, disappointment and bitter happiness at the same time. I have all these emotions as what I was given and what I chose to walk away from. Because I chose to walk away, I’ve become a stronger, more willful person because of it. I’ve spent the last 6 months of my life wallowing in self-pity, having a “victim” mentality and re-hashing what I could have done different. Trust me, it’s not a way to live.
In the fresh start of 2018, I was given a role that was newly developed with a popular Seattle company. By chance, a certain person found me on Linkedin and reached out to me to offer me an opportunity. To be honest, I was scared that someone overseas was trying to get me to come to a company 100 feet away from my husbands work. The guy was totally random out of the blue kind of odd. He had mentioned he was the example role of example company and wanted to look over my references. Hesitantly I responded thinking it was one of those scams trying to scope for my personal information.
Previously, the month before when he landed the job there I had my husband drive by this place of business because I had known of them for years. After pulling into the driveway, I just had this gut feeling I wanted to work there. I imagined an office full of happy people creating products with a purpose. Low behold, 4 weeks later an opportunity came to me and not the other way around. Who gets so lucky in this life?
My role was a very important one within the company, but it was also intern status so I was the lowest of the low when it came to seniority. I was perfectly okay with that. I wanted to grow within the company and really make something of myself. The month before I was hired, this company went through a huge change with a new CEO. I was not a part of the older staff but wasn’t quite part of the new staff either. I was perfectly sandwiched between the new hires that came after me and wasn’t quite liked among some of the older colleagues. Since I had a great boss at the time, none of that really mattered. I went to work, did my work and went home with a smile on my face knowing that I made a little impact day by day.
All of my life came crashing down when my mother in law passed in early March. It’s January of 2019 and I’m finally back to normal after all that ordeal. She wasn’t someone that I saw on a monthly basis, she was the person who came by nearly daily if she could. I spent 12 good years with her. The week she passed, I was offered a full time role within the company which was so bittersweet, right? The following week my husband got let go from his job which was perfect timing for my promotion. I only made 70% of what he made so this was going to be a huge cut with just one salary and 30% less than what he was making. Not to mention I was enrolled in my local college in 15 credits and loaded with mass amounts of homework. I was web developer for xCompany by day, school Jackie by night. My grades slipped. My work slipped. I however put my job as my #1. It was my everything and I was passionate about it. When I came home, it was all I could talk about. I fell down the rabbit hole and was completely hooked to this place.
I pretty much had a nervous breakdown in early summer of 2018. Juggling all of that work, school and personal problems just got to me. I wasn’t sleeping well at night. I was depending on energy drinks during the day just to get me by. I would occasionally break down in the bathroom at work and cry about how much I just wanted to be free from this madness. I couldn’t explain to my boss what was going on, because to him I was just an emotional basket-case who made mistakes in his eyes. It wasn’t always this way, it was just more evident I was struggling to come into work towards to the end of my job.
To this day, he refuses to speak to me for abandoning my job that he presented to me. Some days I don’t understand how someone can go completely quiet on you, while other days I completely understand because of how I left. I think if you truly were in my head during this period, it would all make complete sense. I wish this opportunity would have fallen in my lap in 2019, because then I would be given the second chance to do things the correct way this time. That’s what life is all about though, life’s hard lessons and people & opportunities are the cost of them.
I felt isolated and alone by the end of my job. I put emotions before work and that’s a big No-no. Business is business and we both parted ways. That’s the complete end.
I’m glad to have written this publicly, because I feel free from the emotions of leaving the way I did. I feel like I have breathing room and can try to move on from what I did in the past.
What have I been doing since leaving my corporate role? I have managed to stop being such a pushover and stand up for what I believe in, learn a mass amount of more web development skills and overall just healed on what I was going through in the previous year.
If you’ve ever lost a loved one or watched someone close to you lose someone, it’s a tough ordeal to go through. It’s a very dark time that requires lots of emotional support and often can be quite unintentionally draining to your soul.
This is probably the most rawest piece of blog literature I’ve ever written in my life, but all of that had to be said. I did send the person who gave me this opportunity a big thank you for this amazing opportunity in late 2018 after feeling great remorse leaving the way I did.